There is a particular kind of awkwardness that comes with lending money to a friend or family member. You give them the money because they need it, agree on when they’ll return it, and then the deadline passes. Suddenly, asking for your own money back feels like an uncomfortable conversation you don’t even know how to start.
Someone shared a story online that captured this perfectly. They had lent a friend some money, and when the agreed repayment date came, they reached out to ask for it back. The response was: “What do you need it for?”
It is such a strange question. You don’t normally need a reason to ask for your own money back.
And this is one of the things about lending money that doesn’t get talked about enough: Lending someone money also means taking on the risk that you might not get it back.
That’s why you should not lend what you can’t surrender
The first thing to consider is: don’t lend money you cannot afford to lose.
You’re definitely not hearing this for the first time. But somehow, we end up giving out what we can’t lose.
If getting the money back late, or not getting it back at all, would put you in a difficult financial position, you cannot really afford to lend it.
Your savings are not spare money
Imagine you have ₦300,000 saved. Someone close to you needs ₦100,000 urgently and promises to return it next month.
You might think, “I have ₦300,000, so I can lend them ₦100,000.”
But if that ₦300,000 is your emergency fund, part of your school-fee savings, money for rent, or savings towards a specific goal, you don’t actually have ₦300,000 available for lending. What you have is assigned to something else.
If you have to choose between protecting your own financial cushion and helping someone else financially, it is okay to protect the cushion.
Look at the pattern
One late repayment doesn’t necessarily tell you everything about someone. People can genuinely run into financial difficulties and be unable to meet a promise they fully intended to keep.
But patterns are different.
So, when do you know where to draw the line?
There isn’t one universal number of times. But there are certain moments when you should probably take a step back and reconsider the arrangement:
When the repayment date keeps moving. One delay can happen. But if every agreed date comes with a new date, pay attention.
When you’re always the one asking. If you have to keep reminding someone about money they promised to return, the arrangement is already becoming one-sided.
When they ask for more before clearing the old debt. A new request while the previous one is still outstanding is worth thinking twice about.
When their response changes after you ask for your money. Someone who was easy to reach when they needed the money shouldn’t suddenly become difficult to reach when it’s time to return it.
When you are starting to resent the situation. If lending has moved from something you willingly chose to something you feel pressured or uncomfortable doing, that’s worth paying attention to.
You can still help
If you genuinely want to help, you could give an amount you can comfortably afford to part with, rather than lending an amount you need back. You could contribute towards a specific bill. You could help them think through another way to raise the money. Or, if you have no room in your finances, you can simply be honest about that.
And if you do decide to lend, don’t leave the arrangement vague. Agree on the amount, when it will be repaid and what happens if they cannot meet the original date.
This is what you should hold on to: Before you lend someone money, ask yourself one question:
If this money never comes back, will I still be financially okay?
If the answer is no, that’s probably not money you can afford to lend.
You can be generous. You can show up for people. You can help someone through a difficult moment.
Just don’t make your own financial stability the price of doing it.
